When we walk across the stepping stones of challenge to return to the warm welcome of ourselves, we emerge more pliable, more resilient, more compassionate, and more attuned to the strength of our own spirit. It takes enormous discipline and determination to learn that we alone are capable of reversing, re-framing events from the past. Intimate relationships offer us opportunity to grow and flourish through forgiveness and love.

I think you’ve recognized that by now I’ve never been subtle. I’m not shy about the way I feel or the things I want. I don’t like to waste time when there are so many possibilities available. And let’s face it, none of us are getting any younger or getting out of here alive. So, I’ve put myself back out there. Been on a few dates, attempted an actual relationship (hey 2 months ain’t bad coming out of the gate). I’ve learned that first impressions aren’t always the key to the person and it is up to you to unlock what you are wanting or needing.

So in this non rushed, let nature takes its course kinda way, I write this to my future consort, because you get what you put out there and it keeps me honest.

Dear Sir,

I don’t need you to tell me I’m beautiful. I’m aware of my chameleon eyes and sunlit hair. I don’t need words to validate me. Words don’t mean anything if there aren’t actions behind it. I’ve fallen for that before. I don’t need you to hold me at night. I’ve slept in my bed alone for years now. I don’t need you there at the end of the day when I get home. I actually enjoy the peace and quiet of my little place. I don’t need you for what you can do for me, I’m not that selfish. And I’m capable of satisfying my own needs. I honestly don’t need you.

But I want you.

-And I love to hear those things.

I want you to look at me and see the smile come across my face just by gazing at you. I want you to bring me a cup of tea after a tiring day and feel loved and cared for. I want you to hold my hand, reach for it because that’s where it belongs. I want you to remind me what it’s like to share my bed, my space with someone and feel completely comfortable and safe. I want you to be there at the end of the day, because when you are, it feels like home. I want you to add to the life I’ve built for myself, not create one for me. Don’t complete me, don’t compete with me, complement me.

I’ve always been a pretty independent woman. Divorce ramped up that up ten-fold. In being single I’ve learned plumbing, how to tune up my bicycle and adjust the clutch on my motorcycle. I’m used to managing the multitude of responsibilities that come my way. I’m beginning to reclaim my confidence and embrace myself. I’ve learned how to build a happy, independent life. So when I’m out in the world with all of this self-love, I’m looking for a man who can add value to this life, mine and his. I want a strong partner, who is confident and secure in themselves. One who champions my independence, values my voice, is true in his thoughts and honors my life and welcomes it to his own. I wont be that helpless damsel you hear so much about. I don’t need you.

But I want you.

-There’s a difference.

There’s a difference between a need and a want. I need flat white lattes and to binge watch BBC. I want a house, a Swedish hand-made espresso maker and specifically, a lifetime supply of blueberries. But I can live without those things. I am living without those things (well, maybe not the blueberries). Would they make me happier? Sure, but is my happiness dependent on those things (well, maybe the espresso maker)? That’s what makes wants, wants. They’re desirable for all the right and wrong reasons. I don’t need you to be there, just like I don’t need a house, but I want you to be there. I want you to be there for the good times, the amazing times, the bad times and the times when words can’t even help. I want to learn how it is to confide in someone and know that days will come when we don’t want to look at each other but that you have my back anyway. I want you to never have to guess how I feel about you and I want to make you feel like you are the luckiest human on this planet.

The last time I thought about wanting you, it felt a little less like a want and more like a need. You affect so much of me. I smile thinking about your witty comebacks and the way your eyes glint when you smile. I dream of kissing you and the way it makes me want to come apart. Being around you makes me feel a lot of intense things. I enjoy talking to you. You’ve always known how to say things that make me think deeper or see things in a new light. Spending time with you is always interesting. You continuously make me laugh without trying. And the fact of the matter is this-

I want you.

-I’m ready for you.

The dirty little secret I’ve kept tucked safely away for 40 some years is that I’ve always been a closet romantic. I’m talking saccharine sick levels of romantic. Blooming flowers, singing birds, mice sewing ball gowns…all that shit. It took me a long time to admit that to anyone, especially myself because it feels less bad-ass to want to believe in the Happily Ever After. The two halves of my soul are constantly at war. I denied the romantic half to everyone including myself because it felt disingenuous to want both to be a strong woman and to wish for a man to sweep me off my feet. While I know I can go it alone, I want someone else along for the ride. That realization has completely changed how I approach relationships these days. I’ve learned to embrace my inner sap. I’ve made peace with both halves of myself. Because at the end of the day, I want to need a partner in life. And that subtle shift in thinking has made all the difference. And who else is going to loosen the tight caps on jars or the muddled spark plugs in my car.

I’m going to figure you out sooner or later while we’re talking long into the night in between kisses. So be honest. When we go out on a date, I want to know the person I’m with. Sure, there’s attraction and you’re hot as hell, but I want to hear the stories, to find out what makes you tick, that your first dog’s name was Spot even though he had none. Because I like you, I have made space for you and…

I want you.