The past couple of years I’ve really put myself out there for dating. I have made some really great friends out of it but for the most part what I found was us humans are at risk for executing connection, true intimacy; let alone vulnerability and honesty.

Maybe I’m overreacting. You see I’m one of those people that trusts people (until I can’t) because I am true to my word. If I like you, you’ll know. If I don’t, I’ll be kind. But god damn it, I’m fed up with feeling like or being told that I’m too much when I’m trying to get to know the guy in front of me. If you can’t handle it, then we need to have a serious talk.

The thing that people confuse is curiosity for clinginess because no one is willing to go deep and truly get to know someone anymore. We have been spoon-fed that the grass is greener, constantly driven by the swipes that are oh so easy to feed our egos. We have been told we aren’t supposed to be needy. But the thing is, we’re human. We by nature have a driven need to seek companionship. Which brings me back to my point. Just because I make time for you, check in to say hi and ask how your day was, doesn’t make me clingy. It makes me curious.

The problem is we’re living in a sick dating culture. If you can even call it dating. Modern dating requires you to master seduction without letting the other person really know how you feel. God forbid someone actually finds out that you’re attracted to them.

When did we become a society where emotions are underrated and people looking for a partner are constantly taken for granted? Have we gotten that lazy? Everywhere I turn or talking to friends also swimming through the modern muck of online dating, there are hundreds of confused people wondering if someone likes them or not, trying to translate text messages and trying to figure out how subtle their next move should be so they get their point across but don’t appear too needy. Come on! This fuels a cruel and ignorant purgatory where pretending to be someone you’re not is likely to get more people to like you. Say what?!

We cant keep doing this if we want to grow as a species. When I was married, I couldn’t help but be perplexed by my friends not in relationships and their complaints about the struggle of finding their lobster (cue Friends reference here). Little did I know, my then husband had been cheating on me because he had discovered this new dating culture that fed his ego and didn’t require him to be emotionally vulnerable. It wasn’t until I started dating, after our divorce, that I realized how twisted modern dating actually is. I had to fully experience the chronicles of single life to understand what a freaking minefield it is. And blown my legs off a few times in the process.

Here’s what I’ve learned. People are afraid to accept what they feel and terrified to show it. They act like they don’t care in order to make people more interested in them because then they are seen as mysterious. Texting is the preferred way of communicating. Heaven help you if you called someone, you could come across as being too interested and already overly attached. You can’t allow yourself to cross the line of neediness. If you were the one who texted last, you now are expected to wait for them to text you next. Unless you have been “dating” more than 3 months, don’t even think about having the “where is this relationship going” discussion. Doing so makes you appear clingy in the modern world of casual emotions. What if you had a great evening which ended in mind blowing sex and a touch of vulnerability? Well you better get rid of any expectations that it meant something, because chances are you’ll be ignored for a couple days so the other person doesn’t appear too needy or be ghosted, because “this was just casual, right?”

I’m done. If I want to meet someone, I won’t be afraid to approach them. If I like someone, I’ll hang out with them, If I care about someone, Ill let them know, If someone inspires me, I’ll tell them. If I’m angry, I’ll tell them why. And if they hurt me, I’ll walk away. To quote a line in French Kiss, “Happy – smile, sad – frown. Use the corresponding face for the corresponding emotion.” I’m perfectly happy with my own life. I have a great job, I have awesome friends, my calendar is packed with travel and activities. I’m not involving myself in another person’s life because I’m missing something in mine. What I’ve been missing is a grown-up relationship and being able to share those things with someone I like and love. Why does showing genuine emotion mark me as being overly attached, clingy, weird, naïve or needy?

People deserve to know where they stand with you. Why all the fucking vulnerable constipation? I refuse to stand idly by and let this new culture define how I’m supposed to act let alone feel. I’m tired of the games or feeling afraid or being labeled for being vulnerable. I’m tired of living in a world where indifference is a turn on and honesty is avoided at all costs.

Can we all stop acting like middle schoolers passing notes back and forth between friends to find out if the cute guy or girl from English class thinks were cute or not? Lets be adults and start behaving as humans that have needs. We need to change the culture of dating. Own your feelings. Be curious. If you’re interested in someone or they make you happy, tell them. If you aren’t interested in a serious relationship, be honest and don’t string people along. Don’t waste people’s time for a “good time” while you figure out what you need. Respect the person that has chosen to be open with you.

I’ve walked the minefield. If I’m interested in you, take it as a compliment. Call me curious, but don’t call me clingy.