Some of you are familiar with my story. Some are just tuning in to Jenn 3.0. To fill you in, in 4 short years I have divorced my best friend, buried a parent, completed a graduate program and half a doctorate, moved 3 times, sold and bought 3 houses and changed jobs…3 times. You can choose to believe it or not, things occur in 3’s. But that’s a debate for another day.

Regardless, I embraced the suck. You often find out what you’re made of and what you want out of life from those suck moments. Each one of them will bring you closer to your source. It’s easy to get caught up in the eddy of negativity, so they tell you to “Keep Calm and Carry On,’ meditate, be present, sit with your feelings and find peace. Countless books and classes later, I’m Often praised for my ability to just swim through the muck of life with a positive healthy attitude. I’ve earned the praise. I’m proud of it and it has served me well. However, as of late I find myself feeling anxious. Perhaps it’s my less than Taurus-y nomadic desires, but more likely I think I’m just “too” in balance.

I felt down last night and struggled to know why. It’s something that has been creeping up on me lately since my plans got waylaid this year. I now understand artists and comedians. That melancholy that sets in after a great performance. I have that. It comes after I stop doing great things. My mornings are always filled with hope. Each day is a new beginning and all that karmic love BS. That may be why I’ve been getting up at 5:30. It’s me climbing out of that whirlpool. I also don’t know where all the nautical metaphors are coming from, but I’m running with it.

Anyway, I know It’s all temporary. Generally, if I’m not busy and moving in life, conceiving ideas, serving and saving my fellow man or being “productive”, I sink into that undertow quickly. And then I wonder if that’s why my dad worked so much. That was my big revelation today. He was always either living in the clouds or thought the sky was falling. There didn’t seem to be a middle most days. He was happy and light and silly, like nothing bothered him, or tried to control the world around him so the current didn’t pull him under. When healthy, he was always dancing or running. I tend to be the same. I’m not sure how much of that was nurture or nature. Maybe just conditioning. How much of that was truth or how much was just coping. Maybe it was his way of surviving. I never thought of it that way. Until this morning at 5:30.

I also realized it’s not the imbalance you need to tread about. All that hard work I’ve been putting in the past few years to achieve balance has made me a bit passive in my own life. I think balance can gray you the fuck out and keep you lukewarm in life, love or whatever verb you insert here. Keeping you comfortable yes, but preventing exponential growth. You’ll never be great unless you throw yourself off balance. Sink or swim. Because the discomfort of that is where truth, clarity, and sanity live. That dis-equilibrium. That’s what’s tricky about pouring yourself into something. You kind of need to lose your shit to produce good work and be potent in your life. Not so much that you don’t come back. Because if you don’t, your life suffers. And what’s a good life if you’re just good at what you do but not actually living it? Most people don’t have a problem with losing themselves. It’s the coming back that challenges growth.

And the comeback is what sitting with yourself and your feelings looks like. It’s where vulnerability lives. Vulnerability isn’t just about expressing your feelings. It’s the art and practice of sitting with yourself and sharing them nakedly with others. Breathing. Not reacting. With intention. And long enough to see what is residue and what is truth and who has your back before you batten down the hatches.

I’ve been grabbing and chasing things for a very long time and swimming out of the quagmires of things beyond my control. I have found a quiet peace in my ability to produce balance, I have held happy in my hands. It all leads to a giant circle, spiraling. (I know, what is it with you and the spirals, Jenn) And the longer you stay in that spin and try to stay in balance, the longer you disconnect with yourself and the life you aspire to. Not to mention continuously repeating the task until you learn your lesson. Well, the clouds have parted, and I have navigated my way back. A calm sea never made for a great sailor, dis-equilibrium did.

Bring it.