noun: the state of being romantically infatuated or obsessed with another person, characterized by a strong need for reciprocity. Expressed as having a crush with someone which can last months, years or a lifetime. This often forms under some form of adversity such as an affair.
You want a love that consumes you, you want passion and adventure and even a little bit of danger.

Don’t we all? Sounds awesome! Limerence is an exceptional experience and out of the ordinary. Your perceptions change, the world transforms as your mood rises to euphoric heights and then drops to crushing lows. It transforms your emotional landscape. Trust me I get it. I had an emotional affair like this during my first adult relationship. I own it. I’m not proud of the way I handled it; the relationship or my affair partner. I should have had the balls to leave earlier; the relationship and my partner. I regret the deflections, but I don’t regret the lessons.

At first it was innocent enough but then it grew into an incessant need to be together. We had so much in common. Lots of laughter and conversations flowed smoothly, I was in an abusive situation at home and felt safe with him, but eventually the addiction set in. Heightened by the fact that we were doing something “wrong,”albeit not physically. Fueled by the danger that we would be caught. I had nothing to lose, I had started moving out. He had everything to lose, including a son and a fortune. We broke up many times, each time unable to part for too long. The game, the connection, became a drug. After my split I tried to date other people but none of them could fuel the fireworks I felt with my affair partner. I’m sorry guys, I did you a great disservice, but you didn’t have a chance until I got clean.

Shared trauma, in this case unhappy relationships, brings people together and can often be mistaken for compatibility. This can lead us to believe we’ve found our soul mate or twin flame. When we participate in an affair, we form a bond from shared pain and experiences. It’s a powerful attachment. This cohesion serves a purpose to manifest the support needed to survive future trauma we have created in our heads. But it also acts like the dragon we keep chasing and smacking our tourniqueted arm for.

When most people think of infidelity, they don’t think of injecting heroin or smoking crack. They ought to. The behavior that takes place during an affair mimics exactly the behavior of an addict. If you strip away the romantic sheath you find the cold sticky goo of medical science. The infatuation stage of attachment produces brain neurochemicals that alter the perception of reality. For one, the rush of adrenaline-like norepinephrine literally takes the breath away of the love-sodden individual. Next, it produces increased level of dopamine and serotonin. We become moths to flames, uncaring that we get burned to find warmth. Infidelity is usually a “flame addiction,” not a sex addiction. Although most affairs do involve sex, orgasm is not what most unfaithful partners crave. It’s the connection and attachment we’re missing from our primary relationship often carried over from our childhoods. The other man or woman is wanted because they fulfill that need to feel loved, not so much on who they are. When we find our affair partner, those chemical changes that have been set in motion, get the addiction off and running. Pardon the medsplaining.

When we are removed from the source, it leaves a sense of emptiness and an obsessive preoccupation with the other person. Limerence. Dopamine fuels the addiction which can often be disguised as compatibility and sets off the bells and whistles of the brain’s slot machine, JACKPOT! Continued exposure to our affair partner causes a surge in happiness; the absence of that person generates emptiness. The only way to feel normal again is to return to the source and the drug induced cycle starts all over again. The thing is, it’s not sustainable. People engaged in an affair spend little “real” time together. Most of their together is spent in a fantasy world free of the stressors that daily life introduces into real relationships. It is easy to maintain illusions and romanticize a connection if that relationship is based on secret, fleeting meetings with little time for real life to intrude. Damn, what a rush! That’s what keeps it going but will also likely run its course and disintegrate if the two involved are ever faced with day-to-day life together.

Understanding the process of flame addiction is crucial to healing and being able to find healthy relationships in the future. I bring this up because a recent conversation, where I was the rejected, reminded me of the perfectly wonderful men I refused because they couldn’t produce that high. How could they compete with that? The high was so intense, every new man was judged against it. The only way I broke free was because one guy was patient enough to give me time and space to get clean. He eventually convinced me to marry him. Of course, I would find myself on the other side of this many years down the road. Karma, you fucking bitch.

So, when my husband and I divorced I dove hard into the psychology of relationship, love languages and attachment styles. I wanted to have the tools to prevent that addiction from returning if, and, or when I did find another deep, meaningful and sustainable relationship someday. It’s because of this education why the guy I recently started dating rose to the top over others. I definitely felt sparks, but didn’t feel fireworks. What, that’s a bad thing, right? No, it isn’t. Fireworks flash bright and disappear. What I did feel was the spark of enjoyment, familiarity, calm, and completely myself without pretense (well, and he rocked my world).

Anyway, we are fed a lot of shit about Disney-like love and such. I’m all about romance, passion, great unbridled (maybe bridled?) sex, and a little danger. I said it before, I am a card-carrying member of saccharine sweetness between partners. But the high? That which burns twice as bright burns half as long. You gotta remember, Love is a verb, Love is a choice, you still have to show up and you have to genuinely like each other after the drugs wear off.