You made me feel again for a time. The past few years had led me to believe I wouldn’t experience feelings again. The hope, the desire, the contentment. With you, I found them. The nights we talked were the best. But the mornings were even better, having lingering conversations over pancakes and coffee.

You allowed yourself to be open with me. I remember how you look when we talk, you always look me in my eyes. I wish I could have pressed pause on those moments, to memorize you. Those eyes, I get lost in them. I am comfortable and feel safe in your presence. I am most myself with you. So unbelievably so.

Maybe it was timing. Or you don’t really know what you want, but you didn’t think it was me. You told me I was almost perfect, almost yours. People come into our lives for a reason. Maybe yours was to show me the best version of myself. Thank you. I know I am worth being treasured, but also that I am worth more than almost. I deserve to have happiness with someone who wants all of me, not the convenience of me.

I wonder if you will notice when I start to pull away that you had something great with me. But I think you were too focused on the almost thing, you didn’t think I had. Or maybe you are just afraid because I made love easy for you. What I offered was 2 feet in, love without chaos. Because I know who I am and what I want and I saw it with you. However, after awhile even the strongest of us almost girls get tired.

I don’t want to leave, I waver many times, but my strength is better put to use channeling a life in your absence. I keep looking back. I look for every reason to turn around. But what kills me isn’t the leaving, it’s that you probably won’t feel the void for a while when my good morning texts are replaced with gaps of silence.

You’ll look for me again between lovers as you always do. You’ll send me a picture that reminds you of me or a sweet text when I cross your mind that makes me smile. Perhaps in that moment you’ll understand how much my presence snuck under your heart and that you’ve actually been looking for me in all those other almosts.

You’ll still reach out but with apprehension because you know I deserved more when I was almost yours. Perhaps you were just too scared to trust another human with your heart. Trust me, I know. It’s terrifying to love deeply. But what you don’t realize is how much I miss you too or see the piles of unheard conversations laying next to my pillow where your head used to lay. Before I answer, I let your text sit quietly for awhile, not because I don’t love you, believe me I rarely ever unlove. But because actions now mean more than words.